- The Floriade - The florist downstairs dries his unsold flowers to be used as ornaments. For some reason I really liked the look of them, so I struck a deal with him to buy his unsold flowers each week for $50. Sounded like a great idea at first, but now I have a literal forest of dried flowers I don't know what to do with. This week I used them as a backdrop, but they make a hell of a mess..so if you're in the market for bulk dried flowers, hmu😂
- The Major Leagues - For the first time in my life, I don't have anything mean to say. I get to contribute to a brand I've idolized since mum gave me my first cheeseburger, I get to work with some of the smartest people in the world, and I get to be a part of the team who brought back shaker fries. The days of explaining basic social principles to ageing detractors hell bent on running newspaper ads to sell chickens and using the radio to introduce social media campaigns are long gone. Farewell, mon chéri 😉
- The City Winter - For when it's -42 degrees outside but you still need to get brunch, these brand-heavy threads from @tommyhilfiger, @ralphlauren and @canadagoose will surely get you there without freezing. Most commonly used as a meat trap for the lulu lemon crowd; the combination of the active Goose with the chilled out Tommy lure prospective mates into a false sense of security that you're both a well-kept and upstanding member of society, when the reality of the situation is you stole the jacket from the wardrobe of that annoying judge from the Voice, and now she keeps sending you vaguely arousing murder threats via whatsapp.
- The Mothers Day - Thanks to Universal's @viewinglounge for sending mum the radest mothers day hamper in the history of hampers. Sex and the City blu-ray box set, Lion, Allied, United Kingdom... all the dramatic, intellectual movies mums are scientifically proven to love (plus a bunch of comfort foods and jewellery). Thanks homies, you really made me look like the number one son😉
- The Entitled - Can't stop cheating on your partner? Running out of plausible scenarios to explain the smell of salty ham and/or slightly off fish on your breath? You may be suffering from what's known as 'Homo Malus'; an ancient disease of Roman origin which translates roughly to "you're just a bad person". Many sufferers confuse their symptoms with 'issues in the relationship', when the truth of the matter is they're simply an arrogant thunderlol who'd prefer to satiate primal desires with gelatinous swamp trash, than be faithful to someone they supposedly care about. Most commonly found in 47 year old middle management types who think banging the secretary will alleviate their fear of death (it doesn't) and in 23 year old secretaries who think their 40+ boss on 90k a year is in some way rich and powerful (he isn't). Sound like you? Hide your multiple insecurities and rampant abandonment issues the 'right' way, with these dope winter threads from @ralphlauren.
- The Lend Us Some Muscle - A friend of mine's son has Friedreich's ataxia, a disease which causes progressive damage to the nervous system over time. We're looking to try and help raise awareness, as it's not something you commonly hear about. Head to their page @lend_us_some_muscle to see how you can help 👐 (and to get some of these rad muscle tatts, which I so wisely decided to put on my neck😂)
- The Brexit - For when you're mad at Europe for sending you too many Muslim refugees and spending all your money on the welfare of it's citizens, this ultra-dapper getup from the Queens' own tailors will tell the world you're a 'true' patriot to the good old days. Also referred to as the 90's. Acknowledgement of which comes in the form of accepting that the "Three P's" meant more to you than you're willing to admit: When the Pakistanis were the only immigrants you had to worry about, the Pound ruled supreme and Prince William still had hair (before he started looking like your goofy uncle Greg who day trades stocks and loves orange marmalade). Accepting these facts will leave your mind free to lament on how utterly loled you all are thanks to the selfish, scared actions of an ageing population😉. Hooray for Britannia!
- The Professor - For when you struggle with 'your' and 'you're'; but you lied on your resume and still need to get paid, this subtle-yet-bold getup from the inventors of "Using the fact you're a homosexual to insult people" and "Dressing like a lol to hide your crippling depression" will surely get you through to pay-day💯
- The Girlfriend - She rips on me more than the lads, but I think that's why I love her ❤ (she's also Welsh, 6ft tall, has a bum like Serena, boobs like Pamela and a rather pronounced jawline..but that's beside the point, nomsayin?)
- The Last One - My apartment has become a dumping ground for dry flowers, so this will be the last flower theme-shot for a while. On the plus side I've been bitten by about 9 spiders thanks to all the left over foliage, so I wouldn't be surprised if these tingles all over my body mean I'm turning into the next spider man💪 (Either that, or necrotizing fasciitis, and I'll be dead in 11 hours💀)
- The Independence Week - When my family and I moved from America, the worst thing the president had ever done was get a blowjob from a capitalising secretary. Now they've got a man who enjoys golden showers from Russian hookers, is trying to build a security wall out of solar panels, and photoshopped a fake Time magazine (with himself on the cover) to hang in his various golf clubs. This might sound like a negative post, but I totally applaud the rate of decay👏 they reverted from charming-yet-useless uncle Obama, to rapey-and-tyrannical grandpa Trump, practically overnight. 10/10 style points America, never change😘
- The End of an Era - Topman is going out of business, so this whole getup is courtesy of their firesale (bar the Hawaiian, that's all you @hm😉). I managed to buy myself a gold chain necklace AND a puka shell necklace, both in the same transaction. I'm not saying it's the 'only' time I'll ever find a gold chain and a puka shell necklace in the same sale (outside of Indonesia) but it was a great experience 👍 so, if you were once a fan of the eclectic-yet-ultimately-ill-fated nature of @Topman's line, I highly suggest you get down there before the fire sale ends. Come feast on the delicious corpse of a once great name, before the blog-buzzards pick it clean😉
- The Don't You Know Who I Think I Am? - This one goes out to my fellow peacocks. The societal enigmas who refuse to conform. The vibrant bastions of expression amongst a sea of pantone grey. Painfully casual at formal events. Overly formal at casual events... Anything to be different, right? Wrong. Your friends are beginning to realise you think you're better than everyone. They didn't forget to invite you on that roadtrip either, they've just thought you were a lol ever since you started wearing lacey sweaters to poker night with the boys 😂
- The Fanta Collab - Repost from @mashdnkutcher the @fantaau collab video. Stoked to have been a part of something so genuinely cool. All credit goes to them and the team at Co-Maker for seeing it through. Watch with sound!
- The Buckle Down - Do you dream of sandy beaches and salty margaritas, but can't give up that corporate cash flow? This somewhat toasty get-up from @gap and @ralphlauren will warm your insides just enough so that you don't die; but not enough to give you any sort of real comfort from the cold (thereby motivating your lazy ass to go out and actually do some work💰💼). Some might say this is a design flaw in clothes that are inherently meant to keep you warm..but we all know discomfort is the key to growth, so if you're going to be uncomfortable; you might as well do it in style 😉
- The Veteran - Nothing like an ex-military jacket emblazoned with a fire breathing dragon to warn the little ones you're at 'least' 9 years too old to be at a highschool party😉 these rad threads from @uturnrecycledfashion definitely won't help you blend in; but they 'will' let everyone know you can buy beer, which to a bunch of 17 year olds is apparently still a big deal👌
) this laid back sweater and button-up combo from @ralphlauren will remind onlookers that not only do you only care about political issues so long as they don't affect you personally, but if any of those poor
kids actually make it to America, you'll be the first to scream invasion. After all, out of 38 million Californians, only 13.8 million voted - so next time you're feeling oppressed by a tyrannical government; remember to cast a vote instead of ripping a bong, and you just might make a difference 😉
- The Mr. Mayonnaise - For when your friend group looks like the condiment section of a nazi supermarket; these naturally toned threads by your boy Hugo will surely dispel fears around the nature of that giant oven you keep under the house, or, finally get you hung for those deplorable war crimes. Either way; face your destiny in style, with the latest in nazi-camouflage by the 3 biggest historical supporters of anti-semitism in fashion: @chanel, who's founder Coco spied for the nazis, @hugoboss, who designed the SS outfits, and @dior, who dressed the wives of high ranking officials. Sure it was 60+ years ago, but you're undoubtedly burning in hell right now. Hope it's hot, you fascist pigs 😂👋