- The Astronaut - Did you know it's easier to become an Astronaut than it is to become a sperm donor? If I had known sooner, I might have spent more time doing math and less time jacking off😂 (or not, at least I've got this cool oversized forearm now💪).
- The Beta - For when you enter a new social situation thinking you're the alpha, but you quickly realise you're the beta (or even the capa) these humble-ass threads from @hm and the @yankees will show the dominate male in the group you're "just there for the lols"; and that he totally doesn't need to ridicule your ass/steal your girl (unless he wants to).
- The Graduate - For when you finally graduate your masters, and all you want to do is get high and go to mexico (but it took three years to complete and now you're 27 with a serious job and real responsibilities) this alpha-casual outfit from @levis, the @yankees and @hm, will tell the world you're still a super cool cat who knows how to get down 🤘😎 (even though you just racked up 42 grand worth of student loans for a piece of paper that basically says "good job") 🙂🙁😓
- The Professor - For when you struggle with 'your' and 'you're'; but you lied on your resume and still need to get paid, this subtle-yet-bold getup from the inventors of "Using the fact you're a homosexual to insult people" and "Dressing like a lol to hide your crippling depression" will surely get you through to pay-day💯
- The Girlfriend - She rips on me more than the lads, but I think that's why I love her ❤ (she's also Welsh, 6ft tall, has a bum like Serena, boobs like Pamela and a rather pronounced jawline..but that's beside the point, nomsayin?)
- The Last One - My apartment has become a dumping ground for dry flowers, so this will be the last flower theme-shot for a while. On the plus side I've been bitten by about 9 spiders thanks to all the left over foliage, so I wouldn't be surprised if these tingles all over my body mean I'm turning into the next spider man💪 (Either that, or necrotizing fasciitis, and I'll be dead in 11 hours💀)
- The Pottermore - Slim fit knitwear has a habbit of making even the most slender of men seem calm and endearing. For bonus points, simply combine the look with a proclivity for JK Rowling memorabilia, then sit back and relax as those millennial potter babes on reddit fan-fiction threads go bananas for your Hogwarts steeze✌
- The Races - Races were ok. Couldn't stop taking photos of Luce tho @_lucyunderwood
- The Shida - An incredibly talented artist and friend of mine @mik_shida recently came close to losing his life; dragged beside a car for close to a kilometer. @victoriapolice initially said they couldn't find footage of the attack; which @channel9 managed to find in about 5 minutes (watch on his account). This was a disgusting attack in broad daylight, if Mik had let go he surely would have been killed or permanently maimed. The offender is currently off on a ski trip, while Mik recovers from his injuries. If you're a fan of both art 'and' justice, head to his page and show your support✌
- The Wes Anderson - A common cure for acute averageness. Simply wear a minimum of three layers at all times accompanied with an intriguing headwear accessory. The depth of field tricks the viewer into thinking you're both interesting and attractive (even if one of the items is a green life jacket) while the out-of-place accessory serves to break the ice with the inevitable question "what happened?". Ensure to have a colourful story prepared. Preferably one with a friendly sea creature and/or Bill Murray.
- The Michael - For when you hit the 13th step of a 12 step program and realise cocaine was God all along, this angelic black and tan combo by @gucci and @ralphlauren will have you feeling that one step closer to heaven 😈
- The Native - For when you feel a deep connection with the aboriginal people of a different country, and wish to display it openly - this ridiculous loling jacket and headband combo from the most ridiculous loling place on earth
, will leave you feeling cool, calm and assimilated. Perfect for showing people of other races you truly are the whitest guy on earth. For extra points, only order chicken cashew when buying chinese food, and be sure to complain about the lack of knives and forks.
- The Independence Week - When my family and I moved from America, the worst thing the president had ever done was get a blowjob from a capitalising secretary. Now they've got a man who enjoys golden showers from Russian hookers, is trying to build a security wall out of solar panels, and photoshopped a fake Time magazine (with himself on the cover) to hang in his various golf clubs. This might sound like a negative post, but I totally applaud the rate of decay👏 they reverted from charming-yet-useless uncle Obama, to rapey-and-tyrannical grandpa Trump, practically overnight. 10/10 style points America, never change😘
- The End of an Era - Topman is going out of business, so this whole getup is courtesy of their firesale (bar the Hawaiian, that's all you @hm😉). I managed to buy myself a gold chain necklace AND a puka shell necklace, both in the same transaction. I'm not saying it's the 'only' time I'll ever find a gold chain and a puka shell necklace in the same sale (outside of Indonesia) but it was a great experience 👍 so, if you were once a fan of the eclectic-yet-ultimately-ill-fated nature of @Topman's line, I highly suggest you get down there before the fire sale ends. Come feast on the delicious corpse of a once great name, before the blog-buzzards pick it clean😉
- The Floriade - The florist downstairs dries his unsold flowers to be used as ornaments. For some reason I really liked the look of them, so I struck a deal with him to buy his unsold flowers each week for $50. Sounded like a great idea at first, but now I have a literal forest of dried flowers I don't know what to do with. This week I used them as a backdrop, but they make a hell of a mess..so if you're in the market for bulk dried flowers, hmu😂
- The Major Leagues - For the first time in my life, I don't have anything mean to say. I get to contribute to a brand I've idolized since mum gave me my first cheeseburger, I get to work with some of the smartest people in the world, and I get to be a part of the team who brought back shaker fries. The days of explaining basic social principles to ageing detractors hell bent on running newspaper ads to sell chickens and using the radio to introduce social media campaigns are long gone. Farewell, mon chéri 😉
- The City Winter - For when it's -42 degrees outside but you still need to get brunch, these brand-heavy threads from @tommyhilfiger, @ralphlauren and @canadagoose will surely get you there without freezing. Most commonly used as a meat trap for the lulu lemon crowd; the combination of the active Goose with the chilled out Tommy lure prospective mates into a false sense of security that you're both a well-kept and upstanding member of society, when the reality of the situation is you stole the jacket from the wardrobe of that annoying judge from the Voice, and now she keeps sending you vaguely arousing murder threats via whatsapp.