- The Buckle Down - Do you dream of sandy beaches and salty margaritas, but can't give up that corporate cash flow? This somewhat toasty get-up from @gap and @ralphlauren will warm your insides just enough so that you don't die; but not enough to give you any sort of real comfort from the cold (thereby motivating your lazy ass to go out and actually do some work💰💼). Some might say this is a design flaw in clothes that are inherently meant to keep you warm..but we all know discomfort is the key to growth, so if you're going to be uncomfortable; you might as well do it in style 😉
- The Veteran - Nothing like an ex-military jacket emblazoned with a fire breathing dragon to warn the little ones you're at 'least' 9 years too old to be at a highschool party😉 these rad threads from @uturnrecycledfashion definitely won't help you blend in; but they 'will' let everyone know you can buy beer, which to a bunch of 17 year olds is apparently still a big deal👌
) this laid back sweater and button-up combo from @ralphlauren will remind onlookers that not only do you only care about political issues so long as they don't affect you personally, but if any of those poor
kids actually make it to America, you'll be the first to scream invasion. After all, out of 38 million Californians, only 13.8 million voted - so next time you're feeling oppressed by a tyrannical government; remember to cast a vote instead of ripping a bong, and you just might make a difference 😉
- The Mr. Mayonnaise - For when your friend group looks like the condiment section of a nazi supermarket; these naturally toned threads by your boy Hugo will surely dispel fears around the nature of that giant oven you keep under the house, or, finally get you hung for those deplorable war crimes. Either way; face your destiny in style, with the latest in nazi-camouflage by the 3 biggest historical supporters of anti-semitism in fashion: @chanel, who's founder Coco spied for the nazis, @hugoboss, who designed the SS outfits, and @dior, who dressed the wives of high ranking officials. Sure it was 60+ years ago, but you're undoubtedly burning in hell right now. Hope it's hot, you fascist pigs 😂👋
- The Mr. Casual - Do you find yourself active on the dating scene, but unable to find your one true love? Do you give off a fantastic first impression, but can't seem to follow up with any sort of commitment or expression of interest? You may be suffering from late-onset Costanfluenza, discovered in Seinfeld season 9, when George realises he can only say one or two good comments in a meeting before he starts sounding retarded. Think of yourself as George, you're not handsome enough to say nothing, but you're too damn ugly to talk forever. Just tell her you like her shoes, then ask if she likes your jacket. Science tells us 98% of women can't say no to a @levis denim jacket, so she will undoubtedly ask you to marry her. As long as you say nothing else for the entirety of your relationship, you should be ok👌Introducing the "Mr. Casual" from @levis and @ralphlauren; for the man looking for love, in all the right places😉
- The Mr. Personality - For when you grew up semi-popular and never had to develop any kind of conversational skills or intelligent sense of humour, this prominently branded @tommyhilfiger sweater will surely do the talking for you. Best used at a party full of independent women who prefer to start the conversation; just sit yourself in the corner with a copy of "Bad Feminist" by Roxane lol, and watch those middle management types who like to date boys with questionable IQ's go bananas for your attempted use of literary pick-up tactics (for extra points, hold the book upside down and giggle at the authors last name).
- The Athlete - When I was 17, my parents paid for me to go to the USA with an under 21's touring basketball team. I was supposed to be taking in the glory of another nation's athletic prowess; instead I spent the entire time trying to bang cheerleaders and buying shotguns from Walmart (in Kentucky, a box of shotgun shells was more expensive than the shotgun itself😂). Moral of the story; if you ever find yourself in the US of A, don't let sweaty men running around on a court/field/pitch distract you from the true beauty that is America: Strip clubs that serve the best steak you will ever eat in your life (big ups to 4Play gentleman's club in LA if you're still around), ludicrously lax gun laws that allow you to buy shotguns without any waiting period or background check, and a completely non-existent knowledge of foreign fake ID's👍Today's getup is courtesy of Bianca, from the aptly named 'Todd County' in Georgia, and Megan, from some house party in Venice beach. Girls, we met before Instagram came into existence, but if you're somehow reading this, I just want you to know... I'm sorry for stealing your clothes🙏
- The City Winter - For when it's -42 degrees outside but you still need to get brunch, these brand-heavy threads from @tommyhilfiger, @ralphlauren and @canadagoose will surely get you there without freezing. Most commonly used as a meat trap for the lulu lemon crowd; the combination of the active Goose with the chilled out Tommy lure prospective mates into a false sense of security that you're both a well-kept and upstanding member of society, when the reality of the situation is you stole the jacket from the wardrobe of that annoying judge from the Voice, and now she keeps sending you vaguely arousing murder threats via whatsapp.
- The Mothers Day - Thanks to Universal's @viewinglounge for sending mum the radest mothers day hamper in the history of hampers. Sex and the City blu-ray box set, Lion, Allied, United Kingdom... all the dramatic, intellectual movies mums are scientifically proven to love (plus a bunch of comfort foods and jewellery). Thanks homies, you really made me look like the number one son😉
- The Entitled - Can't stop cheating on your partner? Running out of plausible scenarios to explain the smell of salty ham and/or slightly off fish on your breath? You may be suffering from what's known as 'Homo Malus'; an ancient disease of Roman origin which translates roughly to "you're just a bad person". Many sufferers confuse their symptoms with 'issues in the relationship', when the truth of the matter is they're simply an arrogant thunderlol who'd prefer to satiate primal desires with gelatinous swamp trash, than be faithful to someone they supposedly care about. Most commonly found in 47 year old middle management types who think banging the secretary will alleviate their fear of death (it doesn't) and in 23 year old secretaries who think their 40+ boss on 90k a year is in some way rich and powerful (he isn't). Sound like you? Hide your multiple insecurities and rampant abandonment issues the 'right' way, with these dope winter threads from @ralphlauren.
- The Lend Us Some Muscle - A friend of mine's son has Friedreich's ataxia, a disease which causes progressive damage to the nervous system over time. We're looking to try and help raise awareness, as it's not something you commonly hear about. Head to their page @lend_us_some_muscle to see how you can help 👐 (and to get some of these rad muscle tatts, which I so wisely decided to put on my neck😂)
- The Brexit - For when you're mad at Europe for sending you too many Muslim refugees and spending all your money on the welfare of it's citizens, this ultra-dapper getup from the Queens' own tailors will tell the world you're a 'true' patriot to the good old days. Also referred to as the 90's. Acknowledgement of which comes in the form of accepting that the "Three P's" meant more to you than you're willing to admit: When the Pakistanis were the only immigrants you had to worry about, the Pound ruled supreme and Prince William still had hair (before he started looking like your goofy uncle Greg who day trades stocks and loves orange marmalade). Accepting these facts will leave your mind free to lament on how utterly loled you all are thanks to the selfish, scared actions of an ageing population😉. Hooray for Britannia!
- The Don't You Know Who I Think I Am? - This one goes out to my fellow peacocks. The societal enigmas who refuse to conform. The vibrant bastions of expression amongst a sea of pantone grey. Painfully casual at formal events. Overly formal at casual events... Anything to be different, right? Wrong. Your friends are beginning to realise you think you're better than everyone. They didn't forget to invite you on that roadtrip either, they've just thought you were a lol ever since you started wearing lacey sweaters to poker night with the boys 😂
- The Fanta Collab - Repost from @mashdnkutcher the @fantaau collab video. Stoked to have been a part of something so genuinely cool. All credit goes to them and the team at Co-Maker for seeing it through. Watch with sound!
- The Reuben - If there's anything growing up with watch-ads has taught me; it's that if you're modelling a watch, you wear it over your hand like so ☝ this way, your audience gets a clear look at it's splendour, and won't be distracted by your obscurely long skeleton fingers. Just look at Leo for Tag, or George for Omega, unless that watch is draped across your hand, you're doing it wrong, son. So, in keeping with this most sacred of traditions, I present to you the @reubenray_ black & rose gold classic wrist-watch. For the contemporary man with classic inclinations 👏
- The Mother - International women's day shout out to my own mum. When she was in high-school, girls her age were pressured to leave after year 10. You know; find a man, get a head start on the housekeeping sort of thing. Instead Mum got a job at Maccas and bought a purple Torana, then she travelled the world with her best friend. Society can tell you whatever the lol it wants, but as long as you do whatever the lol 'you' want, you'll always be happy😊 (Unless of course doing what you want involves murder, then you'll only be happy for a moment and hella sad stuck in jail☝)
- The Oblivious - For the young adult still living at home, trying to make it instafamous with a pair of high-waisted underwear and a faded jumper.. Goodluck with your late 20's kid, you're gonna need it✌
Attention brand managers of the world's fashion houses; do you find yourself hating 90% of the people who wear your clothes? Slide into my dm's and I'll do the shade throwing for you! (Today's Calvin Klein offering is from an agency all the way over in Brazil).
- The Roller - Do you find yourself needing to alpha-male the lol out of your home, office or place of business? Is your girlfriend threatening to leave you for that meat-mountain Tyrone who lives down the road? Show those unremarkable plebs what it means to be an alpha in the age of participation medals, with this black and gold tourmaline rockstar pendant by
- The Reckoning - For when you have so much work on; you wake up in the middle of the night and realise it's not the middle of the night.. you've just passed out taking a lol at work and the motion sensor light switched itself off (again) these ultra reflective rose-gold babies from @rayban will surely get you through the day. That, or confirm to your colleagues your reign as the mid-week bender king has unceremoniously come to a close. Either way, hide those eyes boy😉
- The Jaguar - For the man who knows all cars breakdown eventually, so you might as well look cool as lol in the meantime. Shout-out to @jaguaraustralia for throwing in the Jaguar tophat and cane free of charge. Shout-out to my mum and dad for raising me to think I'm better than others and deserve more out of life. Shout-out to my pyschiatrist for getting me through 8 years of entitlement issues, and finally a big shout-out to the scurvy dawg who took the correct spelling of Caesar; your days are numbered🔫